


Pocket Full of Empty Promises

by AliRabbitt



Category: Thor: The Dark World - Fandom, Thorki - Fandom, Thunderfrost - Fandom
Genre: Childhood Memories, Depression, M/M, Memories, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, Suicide Notes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-10
Updated: 2013-12-10
Packaged: 2018-01-04 07:28:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,823
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1078233
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AliRabbitt/pseuds/AliRabbitt
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Loki has been in his cell for far too long. He knows his fate. The only person that can save him is Thor. Turns out that his salvation is his demise.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Pocket Full of Empty Promises

**Author's Note:**

  * For [buttcushions](https://archiveofourown.org/users/buttcushions/gifts).



> This is my first story! AHH!!!
> 
> I would like to thank Ask the Norse Homos on Tumblr for allowing me to use this beautifully written suicide note (http://ask-the-norse-homos.tumblr.com/post/65576897361/what-would-you-write-in-a-suicide-note). I couldn't pass up the opprotunity to write a story around it.
> 
> This is just for you, darling. I hope you like it :) -much love xoxo-

Alone.

That’s all Loki was in that cell. Alone with nothing but his thoughts and the books his mother had sent him. He’s read them all – _twice—_ and by now he can recite _“A Warriors Tale”_ if you asked him to.

 

But even then he might not. He would have to be in a good mood for that.

 

He sat there, curled up in the corner of his prison, staring off into nothingness, thinking of the “good” times before all this and where he could have changed his fate. His gaze never faltered for the whole of eight minutes before he blinked to soothe his drying eyes.

 

_‘Memories…’_ he thought. And that’s all they were. Captured moments saved in his vast yet crumbling mind, tucked away only to spring out at moments like this. Moments when he felt alone and depressed and beyond repair.

 

He goes over a particular scene from when he was younger. It plays over and over again in his mind, the images so vivid; he swears it’s happening right in front of him.

 

Loki smiles, wishing with all his might that he could go back to that moment. Even if it was just for a minute or two, he would cherish every second of it. He sighs, closing his eyes and basking in his own thoughts, praying that one way or another, he could somehow jump into the beautiful memory.

_\----_

_Throughout the palace, you could hear Loki’s high pitched laughter. It was full of joy and glee and distress. To most, the noise would be nothing but a mild inconvenience to their momentary lack of peace. To others, it was something not worth the attention most gave it. But to Thor, his younger brother’s laughter was a guilty pleasure he delighted in indulging in whenever he could._

_Especially when said laughter was produced by relentless teasing and tickling._

_“Aaah hahaha Thor! THOR!! I can’t—hahahAHAHA!!! BREATHE!!! AAAH!!!”_

_Thor had Loki pinned underneath him, straddling his lap while he poked and prodded at the younger’s sensitive spots. Loki tried frantically to swat Thor’s hands from his body to no avail. The young thunderer would have his hands removed for a second only to find their way back to Loki again, eliciting more gleeful screams from his brother._

_At some point Loki began to cry in laughter, tear after tear rolling down his face as he giggled uncontrollably._

_In seeing this reaction, Thor quickly pulled his hands away from his brother. Loki gasped for air, smile plastered on his flushed face as he laid there sprawled out on the hard wood of the bedroom floor that he and his brother shared. He opened his eyes slightly to look at Thor and his smile quickly faded. He propped himself up on an elbow and wiped his damp eyes with the sleeve of his green tunic and, to his disappointment, Thor’s face was molded with mild horror and even more regret. Loki sighed and tilted his head._

_“Why do you look as if you’ve bruised and battered a favorite pet?”_

_Thor frowned. “Because, for a moment, I thought I had harmed you.”_

_“Were we not having fun just now?”_

 

_“Yes but—”_

_“Then take pleasure in knowing that you have not harmed me. You merely teased me to the point of tears. That is all.” Loki states firmly. He will not have it planted in Thor’s feeble mind that he had caused him pain._

_Thor sighs and takes Loki’s right hand in his own, rubbing the pad of his thumb slowly over the lines of his palm. “It is just that the idea of causing you physical or emotional pain is…” he trails off, looking down to the ground and shaking his head slightly._

_Loki smiles and cups Thor’s cheek with his left hand, gently bringing him back up to have sea green meet sky blue. Thor leans into the touch, finding comfort in it._

_“I promise, for as long as I live, I will never hurt you.”_

_“Silly Thor,” Loki begins. “You act as if I will love you less if you_ do _hurt me. You are my brother and my best friend. Rest assured that should you find a way to break me beyond repair, I will always forgive you.”_

_\----_

He opens his eyes, and in that moment, Loki realizes just how much he meant what he said. He and Thor have been through Hel and back, and yet he _still_ loves him.

 

But then he remembers what Thor said… What he had promised… And he can recall just how many times Thor had hurt him, both physically _and_ emotionally.

 

He bites his lip and blinks back tears. ‘ _That damned idiot… That insufferable LIAR…’_ But he can’t help smile, even as his emotions silently stream down his face because he still loves him all the same.

 

“Oh, Brother…” He whispers to himself. “If only you knew. If only…”

 

Suddenly, as if his empty request had been heard, Thor’s heavy footsteps came echoing through the dungeon. Loki closes his eyes once more and basks in the sound of the growing _pat, pat, pat_ bouncing off the stone walls. When it stops, he opens his eyes and smiles.

 

“It’s been quite a while, _Brother_.” He purrs. “What brings the Golden Son of Asgard down here? A lost bet? A promise for more glory?”

 

“Quiet, Loki.” Thor bellowed, and although his tone was harsh and demanding, his reserved expression never faltered.

 

Loki smirked. ‘ _It’s as if he doesn’t care anymore_.’ He thought. “What do you want from me, Thor?”

 

Thor neared the glowing enchantment that kept Loki in his cell and raised Mjölnir to it, causing it to dissolve like burning paper. Loki’s eyes went wide in fear, trying to push farther back into his corner as if he would disappear into it. Thor approached him slowly; hammer in hand as Loki scrambled to get away. When Thor got close enough to cast his shadow over him, Loki closed his eyes tightly and held his breath, expecting Mjölnir to come crashing down on his skull.

 

Then he heard a loud _THUMP_ that could only be recognized as Mjölnir hitting the floor. However, Loki dared not open his eyes. _‘Death not by the hammer then, but by the very hands of Thor. How fitting._ ’ He thought and smiled. “Do what you will, Brother. Just know that I will not beg for my life.”

 

Suddenly, he felt warm, calloused hands cup his face. His brows creased in confusion, and he barely opened his eyes before he felt Thor’s lips on his. He gasped and froze, eyes wide in surprise. It took him a moment before he let himself melt into Thor’s familiar touch, eyes sliding shut as he returned the kiss.

 

It was slow and intimate and it made Loki shiver. Thor’s lips were nothing like he remembered them to be: hard, demanding, controlling, _wanting_. They had changed. What was once merciless was now compassionate. What was once dominant was now utterly submissive.

 

Thor’s lips draped over Loki’s bottom lip and sucked gently, eliciting a small whimper from the younger god. Loki carefully lifted his hand and ran his fingers over the stubble on Thor’s cheek, smiling. Thor let his hand slip from Loki’s face and gently wrapped his fingers around the slender wrist, parting from Loki’s lips and placing a small kiss to Loki’s palm. He leaned into the cold touch as his other hand wiped away the tears Loki did not seem to realize were slowly rolling down his cheeks. Thor smiled.

 

“How I’ve missed you, Brother.” He sighed, staring into the green-blue orbs he so loved. Loki blinked multiple tears from his eyes and gripped Thor’s wrist, turning his head to return the kiss on his palm.

 

“I did not think you would return.” Loki admitted his voiced spent and broken. “I’ve been longing for you… Every day I would sit here and think of when we were boys…” He looked up and smiled at Thor, eyes glossy with tears. “Do you remember? When we were boys? Ah, we were so innocent then…”

 

Thor smiled and retreated from Loki’s touch, choosing rather to sit beside him and pull him into his lap, cradling Loki like a child. He combed his fingers through Loki’s messy hair, carefully untangling the knots and smoothing it out. “I remember,” Thor began, looking deeply into Loki’s eyes, “when we were boys, you would play with my hair, just like this, for hours. I would sit there between your legs and let you comb your fingers through my hair, braid it, twist it around if you wanted to.” Loki smiled, wiping away the last of his tears.

 

He reached up and cupped Thor’s face, his thumb running over the stubble there. “Do you remember our first kiss?” Thor smiled and nodded, leaning down to kiss Loki’s forehead. “I was nervous, if I recall correctly.” Loki continued as Thor trailed kisses along his face. “I had no idea what I was doing, or if I was even doing it right. But you were so patient with me, so gentle… You guided me and allowed me to explore you… I was so thankful afterwards that I swore never to kiss another like that again.”

 

Thor laughed softly and kissed the corner of the younger’s mouth before Loki turned and pressed his lips to Thor’s, smiling. He leaned back and ran the tip of his fore finger over Thor’s lips, tracing them slowly. “I also remember,” Loki said with a smile, “when we promised never to kiss each other again after that.”

 

Thor smiled. “I am thankful, in particular, for that promise.”

 

Loki furrowed his brow, puzzled. “Why would you say that?”

 

“Because it made me realize just how hard it was for me to resist you, and that in doing so I was only hurting myself.”

 

Loki smiled wide. “You truly are an idiot of sorts, Thor.”

 

Thor laughed, the joyous sound echoing through the dungeon. He smiled down at Loki, cupping his face and stroking his cheek with his thumb. “I wish I could take you from this terrible place.”

 

Loki’s smile faltered. After everything that had just occurred, he thought he _was_ escaping this foul place. “What is keeping you from doing so?”

 

Thor sighed in defeat. “Father forbids it. Mother and I have begged and pleaded, but he refuses to allow your return.”

 

“Then why did you come.” Loki spat, fresh tears threatening to escape his eyes.

 

Thor knew all too well where this was going, and he was in no mood for a fight. “Loki, please try to understa—”

 

“NO.” Loki screamed. He quickly retreated from Thor’s touch and stood, tears streaming freely down his previously calm face. “You promised you would save me from this damned cell. You _promised_. The day I was put here you told me you would do everything in your power to get me out.”

 

Thor stood reached for Loki’s hands, taking them in his own and pressing them to his chest. “But I _am,_ Loki. I am trying everything I can, but Father is not so easily swayed. I cannot just walk up to him, request your freedom and expect him to grant it right away. I know this is taking some time but—”

 

_“IT’S BEEN MONTHS!”_ Loki wailed as he ripped his hands from Thor’s grip and pushed him back. “I’ve been stuck in this miserable cage for months, Thor! I’ve been alone and scared with nothing but my own thoughts for _MONTHS_!!!” He blared, his entire being shaking. He gave in to his emotions and broke down right in front of Thor, bursting into tears. He cried out in pain, clutching his chest and sinking to the floor. Thor ran to him and wrapped his arms around the small figure, trying to console him in any way he can.

 

“Loki, please, hush now. I’m here. I won’t leave you, I swear.”

 

“I love you…” Loki whimpered between sobs. “I love you and being parted from you has caused me nothing but pain and grief, and yet you walk through these damned halls as if my absence has no effect on you what so ever…”

 

“Loki you know that isn’t true…”

 

“Say it then.” Loki challenges. He leans back to face Thor, eyes red and wet. He cups Thor’s face, gently forcing him to meet his gaze. As sky blue meets sea green, Loki looks for any sign of lingering affection. “Tell me you love me. Say it like you used to… when we were younger. When you would bed me and hold me in your arms and tell me that nothing in the universe could destroy what we had.”

 

Thor sighed and looked down, knowing all too well that he wouldn’t be able to.

 

“You once said that one day, we would rule side by side. You promised me that. Do you not remember? You said that I would be your Queen and that we wouldn’t care what the others thought, so long as we were together. Do you not remember, Thor?” Loki asked. “Please say something. Anything…”

 

“Loki…”

 

“Tell me you love me, please…” Loki was begging now. He was so desperate to hear it, even if it was a lie. “Tell me all of this was worth it. That I meant something to you.”

 

“You still do, Loki.”

 

“Then say it.” Loki brought his face up and kissed Thor over and over, needing his affection. “Please Thor,” he whimpered through kisses. “Tell me you love me. Please…”

 

Thor gently gripped Loki’s wrists, slowly pulling them from his face and leaned back from Loki’s kisses. He stared at Loki; not knowing how put how he felt into words. He still loved him—he wouldn’t be able to deny that even if he tried—but Loki scared him now. He was so irrational and unpredictable.

 

“Loki, I love you. This you know to be true. But… the love I have for you now is not as it was before. Things have changed Loki, you know this…”

 

Loki smiled in defeat, Thor’s words hitting him like a knife to his heart. “All those things we swore to one another,” he almost whispered. “All those things we said… nothing but lies and empty promises. Is that what those were to you, Thor?”

 

Thor sighed. “Loki, you have to understand. The things you’ve done have changed those plans. When they were made, none of this,” he gestured to the cell with a nod of his head, “was in mind. I love you, I do. The love I have has simply changed. You have to understand why this is so. Do you? Can you understand that?”

 

Loki nodded, utterly deflated. “Yes. I understand, Thor. I do.”

 

Thor kissed Loki softly, but when he did not return the kiss, Thor sighed. “Loki please, do not do this to me.”

 

Loki simply smiled, the gesture completely void of real happiness. The mask he wore now was the best he had ever pulled. “ I would hate to give you what you wanted and not leave you wanting more.”

 

Thor smiled. “Have hope, Brother. I will return for you.”

 

_‘Liar,’_ He thought, though his smile never wavered. “I know you will.”

 

Thor placed a gentle kiss on Loki’s forehead and stood, making his way towards the entrance of the cell. He willed Mjölnir to come to his side as he walked out, lifting it towards the empty space and willing the enchantment to once again cage Loki in his cell. He looked to Loki and smiled before leaving.

 

And there he was again. Just as he started.

 

Alone.

 

He couldn’t take this anymore. How long would he have to wait for Thor _this time?_ He didn’t want to know.

 

And in that moment, he decided that he wouldn’t stay to find out.

 

He stood and went to the pile of books his mother had sent him. _‘Always so thoughtful,’_ he thought. Too bad he would never be able to tell her.

 

He picked one and flipped through it before he found one of those decorative empty pages that were always there for no reason. _‘It’s there for this reason. That’s why. They know ahead of time what you plan to do with it.’_

 

Loki carefully tore the page from its binging and sat down to write. He searched for the quill and ink his mother had also sent for him to use as he pleased. Did she know he would do this? She probably did. He knew of her capabilities. The future was hers to glance at whenever she wanted to.

 

He placed his paper on the back of the book he tore it from and began to write:

_Thor,_   
_Choosing to address this to you was rather simple for me. Of course it’s because I care for you more than I have ever cared for anything, but perhaps never having anyone save yourself to call a friend was a small contributing factor. That does not matter now. I am certain that you can assume now what this letter is for and I beg that you do not try to save me. Perhaps I am already dead. Don’t be sad for me, brother, please. I have been dead for years, Thor. There was nothing better that you could have done, though, you must understand that. My depression was my own fault, not yours. Mourn for me if you must, but do so briefly. Your face that I truly love so dearly is far too handsome to be marred by tears and sadness. I wish I could have kissed you one last time but I know that it would have hurt too much. I wouldn’t be able to go through with this all. I am so sorry that I am doing this to you, and I promise it will be my last mistake._

_You are a lovely man and in another life, perhaps I would have lived to the end of my days with you. Not this life. You will do many great things, of that I am certain. I wish I could be there to meet you in Valhalla, but you know of my fate. Admittedly, I am scared to Hel, Thor. I love you so, so much._

_-Your Loki_

He signed the letter and smiled. _‘It will all be over soon, love.’_ He stood and made his way to the small table in the room. He kissed the note and placed it there before taking the glass vase that was there and throwing it at the wall, shattering it completely. He slowly walked over to the collection of pieces, sorting through them before picking out what he considered a suitable piece. _‘Long. Sharp. Should get the job done. We’re almost there.’_ He smiled as he slid down against the wall, shard in hand. When he hit the floor, he got comfortable before he noticed the two guards standing there, watching him.

 

“What are you doing there?” One of them asked.

 

“What I should have done a long time ago.” Loki responded, still smiling. Without a second thought, he pressed the glass to his wrist and pulled back. He hissed when he felt the immediate sting. Then the blood came, quickly forming small puddles on his wrist before rolling over in droplets to the floor.

 

_“WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING?!”_ he heard one of the guards yell. Suddenly a small crowd of them formed.

 

“What’s going on here?”

 

“He’s trying to kill himself!”

 

“Don’t just stand there, _do something!!!”_

_“GET THOR!”_

_‘He won’t get here fast enough.’_ Loki thought as he sliced his other wrist open, smile planted firmly on his face.

 

He watched them all run out of his sight and up the stairs. He let his arms fall to his sides, the blood free flowing onto the white floor of his cell. It wasn’t long before small black dots began to cloud his vision. He laughed softly, not realizing when the guards returned.

 

“Is he coming?!”

 

“He’s on his way! He’s with the others!”

 

“He’ll be dead before he arrives!”

 

“Is that him?!”

 

“What is the meaning of this?”

 

Thor’s voice. Thor. He’s here. No, no, _no._

He tried to reach for the glass again, but he didn’t have the ability to grab it. His fingers were failing him.

 

“The prisoner, he’s trying to kill himself!”

 

“What?!”

 

“He’s bleeding out!”

 

Then he saw Thor, and Loki froze. There he stood, eyes wide in horror as Loki bled out before him. He lifted Mjölnir to the enchantment, but by then, Loki had fallen to the floor, his vision becoming dark.

 

Thor ran to Loki, picking him up and cradling him, tears falling onto Loki’s face.

 

“Loki, you fool, you didn’t listen…”

 

_‘I know. I know… You told me to wait. But I couldn’t anymore.’_

“I know…” he said, barely audible. “I’m a fool. I’m a fool…” He closed his eyes, the darkness flowing over him before he felt Thor shake him, jostling him awake for a moment more.

 

“Stay with me, ok?” Thor pleaded, placing quick kisses on Loki’s forehead before turning to the guards. “I NEED THE HEALERS, _NOW!!!”_

The guards ran as quickly as they could towards the healers. Thor turned back to Loki, shamelessly crying over his dying figure.

 

“I’m sorry…” Loki whispered. “I’m sorry… I’m sorry…”

 

“No, no, no…” Thor repeated, almost chanting. “Please, Loki, no…”

 

His vision was going. The darkness was closing in. “I’m not… going anywhere, Thor.” He struggled to speak now, the air in his lungs escaping him.

 

Thor smiled, tears still falling. “You’ve always kept a pocket full of empty promises, Loki.”

 

Loki smiled. “As always… empty pro-… promises…”

 

Thor shook his head. “No. Not always. Not when we promised ourselves to each other.”

 

Loki nodded, still smiling. “Your empty… promise. Not mine…”

 

“No, Loki. It wasn’t—”

 

“I forgive you…” Loki sighed, closing his eyes. This was it. He felt himself escaping the pain. It was now or never for him. “I love you… I love you… I love… you…” He kept repeating it until the darkness took him, silencing him forever.

 

Thor bit his lip to keep from screaming. “I love you, too. I love you, Loki. Come back…” He lifted Loki’s head and gently kissed his cold lips. He cried openly over his friend, his lover, his _brother._

And before he knew it, there he was. In the cell, holding the body of the only one he truly loved, screaming out in rage. The storm outside raged on.

 

The guards could not console him. He remained there, clutching the slack figure to his chest, crying like a child.

 

From that point on, it was only ever Thor. Not Thor and Loki, not Thor and his Brother. It was only ever Thor. Without Loki, he was empty. He was abandoned. He was forsaken.

 

He was alone.

**Author's Note:**

> Writting this was pure Hel for me, but I hope you enjoyed it!
> 
> If you'd like, please share this story!
> 
> Much Love and Appreciation,  
> Ali Rabbitt xoxo


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